Big Boys Don’t Cry….Or Do They?

As many of you know Psychology Today asked me to be the gender expert for their blog. Below is a response I received to my blog on gender differences and crying:

The sign in the locker room at work seems relevant, saying "men have feelings too it's just that nobody gives a f####". Crying has more limited rewards for men...especially from women. It is not of much use in relationships especially. Also, men and women tear up for fear anger and happiness. Dry faces are very rare at funerals, weddings,, graduations. Is crying a wet eye or being wracked by sobs?

And here is another one:

From what I understand emotional tears tend to contain higher amounts of prolactin. Women tend to produce more prolactin than men (once they enter puberty, particularly during menstruation cycles). So I thought that was a big factor as to why women cry more than men.

I am not disagreeing that socialization plays a part because I have heard men say they would be ashamed to cry. But I think there is a biological component to the sex difference as well.

I think both responses bring up interesting points. In response to the first blog, I believe it is true that “crying has more limited rewards for men.” And they often receive an equally negative reaction from both women and men. This is a testimony to how entrenched and rigid sex role prescriptions can be. Highly defined contexts like funerals (the standing joke is someone has to die to get a man to cry) make crying socially acceptable for both sexes. Finally, crying, as I define it, are tears rolling down the face. Yes, people can swell up with watery eyes but many can get “control” and the tears don’t leave the eye.

Let’s take John Boehner for example. On election night, Boehner cried when he addressed his supporters after the Republican victory, which gave the party control of Congress. He cried during a Sixty Minutes’ interview and the episodes go on. John Boehner’s latest public crying episode has gotten Capitol Hill talking, and some are speculating that there’s a simple explanation for the waterworks: He’s drunk. So we have a need to explain why a man cries, he has to be drunk! No one would ever make that assumption about a woman crying. For women we can possibly assume she is “hormonal.” If she is younger she must be PMS or older, she is menopausal. For both sexes we often view tears as a sign of weakness. Nothing has changed!

Audrey’s feedback from the webinar for Inventyourfuture on Code Switching: How to Talk so Men will Listen

What one learning did you take away from today’s webinar?
I liked the early specific example of how you respond of your idea is ignored and then someone says pretty much the same idea later on. How you could deal with it was a really great approach I'll use if that happens to me again. (Team Lead, Apple)

To beware softening requests ‐ sometimes we don't realize we've done it until after the fact. (MarketingManager, Symantec)

I learned that the "mode" I should be in most of the time should be assertive. That was a very good take away. This was a great topic! I think I want to listen to the replay because I suspect that I will pick up another good tip. (Project Manager, HP)

How to handle interruptions in meetings, and how to take back the floor (Finance Dept, Apple) It was pretty enlightening and made me feel more conscious when dealing with women at work or elsewhere.

Also some of the issues discussed apply in general and not just to women (in multicultural setup as the speaker mentioned). Not to be taken for granted at work place, and standing up for yourself, and speak up when it matters. (Functional Analyst, Apple)