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At work (and outside of work), we don’t always say and do the right thing; sometimes words or thoughts leap out of our mouths that we regret! A couple of weeks ago I received the email below. I made a few notes which I would like to share. 

“…I listened to your 4-CD series a couple of years ago and found them very helpful, especially the "The Art of Conscious Communication: A Talent for a Technical Age" CD.  I don't know if you give advice, but if you do, I have a question related to a work situation.  I work in an administrative job for lobbyists.  Each Monday we have a meeting and the Director goes around the table and asks each person what they did over the weekend.  He does not ask, generally, if anyone did anything exciting; he asks each person individually, going around the table, what they did that weekend. 

 I have some family problems I've been dealing with and I'm also trying to pay off some debt, so I'd rather not report in front of the group what I do each weekend.  Also, the lobbyists make a lot more money than I do and they say things that are more exciting than what I do. Even if I wasn't dealing with these other problems, I would be uncomfortable having to answer this question each Monday.  Some of the other people's non-verbal reactions seem to say that they, too, are slightly uncomfortable answering this question every week in front of the group.  I've been tempted to ask why the whole group needs to know what I do each weekend or to say, “Sorry, but I'm a private person,” or something like that.  However, I am lowest on the totem pole, and I know it's going to come off as me challenging him in some way.”
 Can you offer any thoughts?

In this situation, my concern is the abuse of position from a person, the director, who is in a “legitimate power” position. Just because he is the director, does not give him a license to request disclosure of what his staff has done over the weekend and away from the workplace. I believe most people are trying to do the right thing, the director may have perceived this as a way for the group to bond and connect. Unfortunately the “intent” has an awful “impact.” There are many other ways for a group to connect and build cohesiveness without making things “personal.”

1. Asking what people have done over the weekend is private and personal. It borders on prying.

2. I can’t help but think it must become a competitive event: “Let’s see who has done the most interesting thing this weekend.”  Refrain from being “competitive” and going for the WOW factor.

3. You can do nothing and just offer something benign like, “I read a great novel this weekend.”

4. You could approach your director and share your discomfort. I would not recommend this approach. He may get defensive and he is in a power position.

5. Good for you noticing the nonverbal cues of others. I am certain other people feel uncomfortable having to conduct a “share and tell” every Monday.

6. Your personal problems are not something you want to share with the group and I don’t believe that is the intent. You are right to keep them to yourself.

7. Do not ask why the group needs to know what you have done over the weekend. The situation is awkward already and you do not need to add to it. Sometimes a high emotional intelligence requires saying nothing.

Hi Audrey,

All of us liked your seminar last Friday. It really helped me in the work I am doing as a psychologist with the Stanford EAP and my private practice.
Thank you again for the wonderful seminar.
Sea’n
John H. O'Riordan [tubrid@stanford.edu]

Boulder County
Power of Positive Coaching

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