NICE GIRL’S DON’T DO CONFLICT (part 2)

...Engaging in conflict is perceived as unfeminine. It requires a great deal of assertiveness, which may include rocking the boat. Women’s role is to be the peacemaker, master negotiator, placater, office mom and smoother of all ripples of conflict at work and home. Girls received the message early: Sugar and Spice and everything nice are the ingredients from which they are made! When a woman expresses anger she is questioned. Is this outburst hormonally driven? Is she being emotional? For men expressions of anger are sanctioned. In fact it is one of the few emotions men can express publicly. We look to men to lead us into battle and women to heal the wounded and minimize the fatalities.
...We have approximately three decades of psychological research that tells us women have higher rates of depression than men. The operational definition of depression is anger turned inward. Women suppress their anger and men express it. She can take the anger out on herself by feeling guilty, depressed and self-doubting. The cost is high and the taboo to great for her to show anger.
...Women often exhibit more indirect ways of expressing their anger like passive aggressive behavior. She will not get mad at you directly but indirectly. Passive aggressive behavior may appear innocent on the surface (convenient misunderstanding, forgetting, being tardy) but underneath the behavior a rage flows. Audrey was addressing a group of women support staff of a Fortune 50 company for “Secretaries Day” and asked them how they handled anger toward their bosses. One woman reported she was angered at her bosses’ orders, especially to get him a cup of coffee. So she just spit in it before she gave it to him. While the audience collectively gasped she exclaimed it took care of all her anger toward his demeaning orders. She could not directly address the issue with him but took care of it indirectly.
...Anger is an important signal in conflict that cannot be ignored. Anger can signal someone crossing a boundary; frustration when things are not right and most important, anger can maintain our integrity of our self. Harriet Lerner, a psychotherapist at the Menninger Foundation explains the difficulties women have expressing anger. She also addresses the sex difference:

Women who openly express anger at men is especially suspect…we all know that ‘those angry women’ turn everybody off. Unlike our heroes, who fight and even die for what they believe in… Te direct expression of anger, especially at men, makes us unladylike, unfeminine, unmaternal, and sexually unattractive…They are devoid of femininity.

...One of the greatest challenges in conflict is allowing the productive expression of anger. Women may have to be coached or given permission that it is “safe” to express her anger and her femininity will not be jeopardized.