I just attended our Western Speech Communication Association convention. I sat in on the Top 4 Papers in Communication Theory panel. An excellent paper was presented that addressed communication patterns in a hospice setting among health care professionals. One of the patterns was “one up”. It struck me how people involved in any context from a death and dying situation like hospice, the corporate boardroom or Monday morning staff meeting employ this disruptive and uncooperative style.

What do you do if someone is playing one up with you? Here are some choices (you are the best judge for your circumstance what choice/s will work):

1. Ignore it. Don’t feed it. Eliminate the tug of war.
2. Ask them to explain their idea, opinion in more detail. This allows you to get more insight and time to strategize. Sounds like this: Bob, why do you think your plan will work? Don’t say: Bob why do you think your plan will work better than mine?
3. Solicit the group (if there is one, if not, ask to solicit the group at the next meeting or by email, etc). Turn to the group and say: What do you think of Bob’s idea? This is risky. The group could say: “We like his idea better”.
4. Thank them for their input. Sounds like this: “Bob, I appreciate your feedback on my plan and providing a different perspective.”

Remember what drives this behavior is typically a low self-esteem and need for attention and recognition. Also know that these people are transparent. The group typically knows what they are doing and can see through their ploy. While the behavior is a game and manipulative, does not mean you should be reactive. Self regulate your emotions and response. It is not an attack on you, but merely often their way of filling their empty cup.

LOOK for Audrey quoted in Denver Women’s Magazine April 2008 issue “Communication Problems Between Mothers and Daughters”
by Courtney Drake-McDonough.

Amy Oliver Show - Dec 2007
"The Hillary Card: How The Gender Card Will Play Out in the 2008 Election" and "He Speaks, She Speaks"
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"First Person Essay: My Other Ex"
Dec 2007
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