THE CRYING GAME

...Women are taught to be high expressive, that is, they can express all their emotions, especially crying. We know emotions have been a female trademark, but men report feelings as often as women. In an analysis of 500,000 adults, men rated just as high as women in emotional awareness. Men process and express emotions differently than women and they have no road map on how to combine the masculine requirement of being strong and emotional at the same time. She cries and he loses his temper seems to be the pervasive theme in many conflicts.
...Women get into risky business when they cry. They are often perceived in one of two ways. First, she is weak, emotional and out of control. Second, she is using her tears as emotional blackmail, a form of manipulation and he resents it! It is a dilemma for women because the tears flow naturally when we are worked up about an issue. Audrey had a client who claimed she had a pressing problem that was causing her to lose sleep and become anxious. When Audrey said why haven’t you approached your manager, she replied, “I am waiting until I am sure I won’t start crying.” A useful technique for women in this kind of situation is “pre-cuing.” Set up the conflict communication, and possible tears, for a win. Tell the person that you are very concerned and upset about what you are preparing to discuss with them. If you subsequently get upset, tell them you will take responsibility for your tears and you would like them to take responsibility for what you are saying. Many women have reported that when they indicate they may “lose it” and start to cry it actually gives them more of a sense of control and they end up not crying. This pre cuing technique handles the credibility issue for an out of control woman and also eliminates the perception of manipulation. Rather the receiver knows the tears are a product of concern and frustration.
...One of the biggest mistakes men make in conflict is when women cry they perceive it as sadness. Then he begins to console her. She may respond by getting snappy because he has misread the cue. Underneath a woman’s tears are seldom sadness but rather anger! Although he is experiencing a high discomfort level with her tears, he needs to get at the anger she is feeling.
...Big boys don’t cry except if you are president of the United States. Elizabeth Bumiller, a columnist for the New York Times, documented that the “bawler in chief” may be setting a new standard for men. She cites several accounts, some almost back-to-back, of George W. Bush shedding a tear:

George W. Bush became the first American president to weep in Iraq. Reporters…noted a very visible tear dripping down his cheek when he was greeted by whooping American soldiers…the fact is Mr. Bush cries all the time. Two days after Sept.11, 2002, his eyes welled up during a phone call with Gov. Giuliani. The following day, he nearly lost his composure while speaking to the nation from the National Cathedral. The president…has helped make it safe for men to cry in the open.

President Bush asked his doctor if he could “prescribe anything to dry up his tears.” It is true we see more men crying publicly. However, the context has to be highly defined and emotionally charged to warrant such a display. It takes a war, an act of terror in the case of President Bush.

Reminder! Don’t Miss Audrey at the Colorado Human Resource Association state conference.
“Go Home and Put on Some Clothes”

Colorado Society of Human Resource Management
Thursday, Sept 6th 1:15pm-2:45 pm Keystone Resort