...Women are taught to be high expressive,
that is, they can express all their emotions, especially crying.
We know emotions have been a female trademark, but men report
feelings as often as women. In an analysis of 500,000 adults,
men rated just as high as women in emotional awareness. Men process
and express emotions differently than women and they have no road
map on how to combine the masculine requirement of being strong
and emotional at the same time. She cries and he loses his temper
seems to be the pervasive theme in many conflicts.
get into risky business when they cry. They are often
perceived in one of two ways. First, she is weak, emotional and
out of control. Second, she is using her tears as emotional blackmail,
a form of manipulation and he resents it! It is a dilemma for
women because the tears flow naturally when we are worked up about
an issue. Audrey had a client who claimed she had a pressing problem
that was causing her to lose sleep and become anxious. When Audrey
said why haven’t you approached your manager, she replied,
“I am waiting until I am sure I won’t start crying.”
A useful technique for women in this kind of situation is “pre-cuing.”
Set up the conflict communication, and possible tears, for a win.
Tell the person that you are very concerned and upset about what
you are preparing to discuss with them. If you subsequently get
upset, tell them you will take responsibility for your tears and
you would like them to take responsibility for what you are saying.
Many women have reported that when they indicate they may “lose
it” and start to cry it actually gives them more of a sense
of control and they end up not crying. This pre cuing technique
handles the credibility issue for an out of control woman and
also eliminates the perception of manipulation. Rather the receiver
knows the tears are a product of concern and frustration.
of the biggest mistakes men make in conflict is when women cry
they perceive it as sadness. Then he begins to console
her. She may respond by getting snappy because he has misread
the cue. Underneath a woman’s tears are seldom sadness but
rather anger! Although he is experiencing a high discomfort level
with her tears, he needs to get at the anger she is feeling.
boys don’t cry except if you are president of the United
States. Elizabeth Bumiller, a columnist for the New York Times,
documented that the “bawler in chief” may be setting
a new standard for men. She cites several accounts, some almost
back-to-back, of George W. Bush shedding a tear:
George W. Bush became the first American president to weep in
Iraq. Reporters…noted a very visible tear dripping down
his cheek when he was greeted by whooping American soldiers…the
fact is Mr. Bush cries all the time. Two days after Sept.11,
2002, his eyes welled up during a phone call with Gov. Giuliani.
The following day, he nearly lost his composure while speaking
to the nation from the National Cathedral. The president…has
helped make it safe for men to cry in the open.
Bush asked his doctor if he could “prescribe anything to
dry up his tears.” It is true we see more men crying publicly.
However, the context has to be highly defined and emotionally
charged to warrant such a display. It takes a war, an act of terror
in the case of President Bush.
in the World is Audrey?"
Denver Metro Chamber
“The Sky’s the Limit”
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
9 am - 10:15 am
at Regis University,
3333 Regis Blvd., Denver 80221
$25 for Denver Metro Chamber of Commerce members,
$50 for non-members *Price includes, breakfast, lunch, networking
and up to four training sessions.
Don’t Miss Audrey at the Colorado Human Resource Association
“Go Home and Put
on Some Clothes”
Colorado Society of Human Resource Management
Thursday, Sept 6th 1:15pm-2:45 pm Keystone Resort
Catch Audrey's Guest Column
"A Barcode on her Forehead"
in COBIZ Magazine ,May, p.12!
Audrey’s tips for dealing with
“The coworker (or boss) from
Daily Camera, Saturday, June 16,2007
“Try Gender-Flexing for More Effective Communication”
Fort Collins Coloradoan Business page, Miss Communications
You'll be able to view it online at www.coloradoan.com
Look for Audrey's article
"He Speaks,She Speaks:
What Different Things They Say"
you miss one of the
Smart Talk Columns?
the archives of Audrey’s 2006-to date Smart Talk Columns on
her web! Simply go to www.audreynelson.com
and click on “Newsletters.”
much for presenting at the BPW. I am well into the book and done
with the first CD. Already picking up the phone more rather than
email. Enlightenment is amazing.
I wrote this in my newsletter to my salespeople today giving highlights
of the convention:
You Don't Say! Audrey Nelson was probably the most
relevant to sales presenter there. Some highlights were
"Email, what is not being said". I guess I need to pick
up the phone more! The difference between the sexes. For example,
us girls will write, "Have a nice weekend"starting on
Thursday. Men are bored with that. I bought her book and four tapes,
because communication is what it's all about. If we could get her
to a Kaeser & Blair function (convention) it would be so amazing!
Buy her tapes & books!
Again, sincere thanks.
Here's to your Success,
Cyndi Stout, Promoz
I attended a Colorado Human Resources luncheon a short time ago
and you were the guest speaker. I truly enjoyed your stories of
success and suggestions for “dealing” with people
and left there thinking – WOW – wish
I could have her talk with our physician board. I am the HR Manager
for a clinic with 21 physicians and 160 employees.
Human Resource Manager
Panorama Orthopedics & Spine Center
I enjoyed your seminar today and left wanting
more information. I took home a strong message that I am responsible
for my life and pursuit of happiness. I rediscovered my own "difficult
person" traits and identified the traits of those around
me. I found the discussion about corporate values needing to include
avoidance particularly insightful, especially in the reaction
it received. I will be seeking more knowledge in the books you
mentioned and in adopting some of your strategies.
It seems that we are more often than not surrounded by difficult
people either autocratic dictators (starting with my father-in-law)
to passive aggressive people (my guilt transferring mother) to
those that we have to spend the majority of our waking hours with.
Your presentation was excellent and enjoyable.
David W. D'Ambrosio
Program Manager - Pipeline Integrity